What’s up guys, so the other day I was eating at a restaurant with a buddy and we were sitting at the bar when I happened to glance to the right of me and witness this guy trying to woo this very attractive girl, and boy was it bad.
This guy did not know how to talk to girls, whatsoever. He kept trying to flatter her by nervously complimenting her.
“Hun, you are truly beautiful, I really think you would love me if you got to know me.” “Let’s go out on a date tomorrow what do you say?”
I almost vomited the food I had just finished, I wanted to grab him and yell that is not how to talk to girls you goof.
The worst part (yes it was not just what he was saying) was he had awful body language. He was jittery which made him look super nervous, he didn’t seem confident whatsoever.
The attractive girl shoed him away like he was a fly.
After witnessing the horror, I thought about how often I see men make the same mistakes. It’s very common and at that moment I decided to write a detailed post on how to talk to girls.
I felt pity for the guy, I really don’t want to see other men go through the same ordeal. A big reason why is I saw myself in that guy, not who I am now but who I was when I was younger. I was horrible with women and I worked hard to turn that around.
If you don’t know how to talk to girls your main issue isn’t so much that you don’t know what to say, but rather you’re uncomfortable and inexperienced with women and due to inexperience you are lacking the fundamental principles that are required to be good a talking to girls in a way that will interest them.
I am going to explain the key underlying principles that you need to work on to get really good at getting girls interested in you. These principles will be the key to your success.
Congruence
If you really want to learn how to talk to girls and become great at it, it all starts with congruence. I have very little doubt that congruency is the most important principle in getting women interested during your approach.
What is congruence?
Congruence is when you are aligned in your thoughts, words, and actions. It is being 100% yourself to the fullest extent.
Girls love congruent behavior because it demonstrates high status, it shows that you are very secure about yourself and that is rare in today’s society.
Congruence is why so many “nice guys” struggle with women. These type of men start talking to girls with their super nice guy rhetoric, but do you know what their body language shows? That they are really want to get in the girl’s pants.
Women are exceptional at reading body language and they can easily sense that the nice guy is being fake or incongruent. He is only acting nice because he has a different agenda and this sets off her alarm, often subconsciously.
You need to understand that girls (especially good looking ones) are always being pursued by men, all day every day. This is why they are selective and subconsciously screen all men.
I mean if you had 100s of girls chasing you wouldn’t you be more selective as well?
Girls are attracted to masculinity and being congruent when you talk to girls is very masculine.
How do I talk to girls with congruence?
The principle is very simple to grasp, be yourself.
This doesn’t mean be 100% direct and say hi my name is Johnny too direct, I want to fuck you (although I did witness some buddies of mine pull this off occasionally), it means dropping some indirect cues during the conversation, it means occasionally flirting.
But isn’t directly asking to sleep with her very congruent?
Yes, but so is saying I want to murder you because I’m a serial killer if you are a serial killer, get my point?
Girls want a secure man but they are also looking out for their own security. You have to understand that women are the weaker gender, they can’t defend themselves. They are much more vulnerable.
You have to earn her trust first.
Earn her trust by genuinely sharing your feelings with her. Trust me they can pick up authenticity fairly quick and accurately.
In general women have much higher social intelligence than men. They have this evolutionary advantage because back when we humans were hunter gatherers the males would be out hunting and trying to provide for the family while the females would be at home socializing to maintain order.
Also, females had to have high social intelligence because their livelihood depended on it. If she chose the wrong male, one that was weak and couldn’t support her by providing food and protecting her, she was good as dead.
Now just because most men are not socially intelligent doesn’t mean that they can’t become highly socially intelligent, it just requires practice and experience.
I am getting a little off topic, back to congruence. Here are some examples of both congruence and incongruence.
Example of incongruence:
Johnny incongruent: Heyy, can I get a beer?
Cute bartender: Hi, what kind of beer would you like? We do have more than one haha.
Johnny incongruent: [ Nervously laughs] Your strongest one it’s been a really bad day, surprise me.
Cute bartender: Done, I’ll surprise you. So are you ok? Sorry to hear that you are having a bad day, mind if I ask why you having such a bad day?
Johnny incongruent: [slightly smiling] my girlfriend of 5 years just broke up with me. [sighs deeply] I’m depressed over the situation.
Cute bartender: I’m so sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better soon.
Johnny incongruent: Thanks! I appreciate it, it’s no big deal. I don’t even care for her anymore.
Johnny incongruent: [ After a couple minutes of very small talk] You made me feel like I’m 100% over her haha. I really like you, how about we get together for some coffee?
Cute bartender: I’m sorry I have a boyfriend.
Can you see how incongruent Johnny is in the example?
He shot himself in the foot multiple times. First off he said he is having a bad day and depressed while smiling, which demostrates incongruence.
Then he said it’s no big deal and doesn’t care for her anymore even though he said he has been with her for 5 years and that he is depressed over the situation.
He was even incongruent when he asked her out, how can he possibly really like her? They only engaged in small talk, he doesn’t even know her.
Johnny clearly doesn’t know how to talk to girls due to the lack of congruency he displayed.
Example of congruence:
Johnny congruent: Heyy, can I get a beer?
Cute bartender: Hi, what kind of beer would you like? We do have more than one haha.
Johnny congruent: [ With a sad look] Your strongest one it’s been a really bad day, surprise me.
Cute bartender: Done, I’ll surprise you. So are you ok? Sorry to hear that you are having a bad day, mind if I ask why you having such a bad day?
Johnny congruent: My girlfriend of 5 years just broke up with me. [sighs deeply] I’m depressed over the situation.
Cute bartender: I’m so sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better soon.
Johnny congruent: Thanks, I appreciate it, I still can’t believe it. I feel like I’ll never get over it, I loved her for so long and I’m the romantic type [deeply sighs].
Cute bartender: Aw you poor thing, I know it sure doesn’t feel like it now but you will get over it, time heals everything. Or maybe talk to her and win her back? If not, you are going to have to accept it. Everything happens for a reason and maybe the reason she broke up with you is because you are meant to be with someone else.
Johnny congruent: I don’t want to win her back. I know that even though I love her that we are not meant to be. I have to be strong and move on. You are right, time does heal everything and this must of happened for a reason. So why are you a bartender and not a therapist? You could like start your own television show like Dr. Phil. Are you scared to put him out of business?
Cute bartender: Haha you are funny, maybe I will.
Johnny congruent: Well I’ll be your first guest.
Johnny congruent: [Finishes beer] Hey thanks for everything. You know I really enjoyed talking with you and even though I’m really down you truly cheered me up a little. How about we get together for some coffee this tomorrow morning?
Cute bartender: Wow, looks like you got over your ex quickly! Haha I don’t know, I’ve been a rebound before and don’t want that again that’s for sure.
Johnny congruent: Haha you are silly. I don’t want you as a rebound, I’m not over my ex and am not looking for a rebound. All I’m asking for is some coffee with you. Just coffee, I promise I won’t show up with an engagement ring.
Cute bartender: [Laughing] Haha you are the one that’s silly. Fine let’s do it, only because your funny and I love coffee.
Do you see the difference in this example? Johnny was truthful in stating that he is very down about the break up. His body language was aligned with what he was telling her.
He came across as genuine because he told the bartender that even though he is still feeling down, she cheered him up and that he enjoyed talking with her. It helped that he sprinkled in some light humor.
Also note that he didn’t come across as needy and fake by saying something like “I really like you” like incongruent Johnny did.
Johnny congruent clearly knows how to talk to girls.
Does being congruent work every time?
Of course not, it’s a numbers game. Most girls will simply be unavailable. They will either be in a relationship or you won’t be her type, and you just have to accept that. Don’t take it personally.
The great thing with congruence is that they will decide quickly if they like you or not. By being congruent you will cut through all the bullshit.
You are going to be yourself and she will either like you or not. That is what you want because the girls that like you will like you for who you genuinely are.
The key is to simply be yourself, don’t change who you are for anyone. I want to note that does not mean you can’t improve yourself or change certain aspects about yourself. If the improvement and change is genuine it will show.
Non-Neediness
Being needy is the quickest way ever to turn a girl off and cause her to completely lose interest.
Even if you do come across as needy when conversing with a girl and still somehow get her number and a date, it only means she is equally needy or even more needy than you and you don’t want to be in a needy toxic relationship.
Neediness stems from a deep rooted insecurity. This insecurity with girls of not being good enough is usually present in men that have little to no experience with girls.
Men who are not experienced with girls will be needy in their interaction with them because they believe that they got lucky and they don’t want to let her slip away because they don’t know when the next opportunity will come around, if ever. So they try way too hard and it reeks of desperation.
Needy men are perceived as insecure, having low self-esteem, and being low status.
If you are needy you better believe it that they will sense that when you are talking with them. As mentioned earlier, girls are socially intelligent. Girls have many men trying to pick them up, especially needy ones, so they will easily spot neediness from a mile away.
How to talk to girls and not come across needy?
Before I show you what and what not to do when talking to girls, I strongly recommend you work on the fundamental issue, which is not having a lot of options with girls.
When you have a lot of options and gain a lot of experience at talking with girls, you will become the selector instead of the selectee. You will come off as a very high value and secure man and girls will be chasing you, begging to be yours. This is why womanizers are so successful with girls.
But Jaaack, how can I become a womanizer and have a lot of options if I don’t even know how to talk to girls in the first place?
Well, as with everything else in life, you are going to have to really start going out and about and actually practice it. You are going to have to talk to many girls day after day to become good at it. I know it’s not going to be easy, but you have to endure to rough patches in the beginning.
Don’t take it so seriously, just go out there and talk talk talk. The more you do it the better you will get. Soon you will be a “natural” at conversing with girls.
Some practical tips to not come off as needy
When starting a conversation don’t look overly enthusiastic to be talking with her.
If you go up to talk to girl for the first time, do not give her a drink. Why would you buy her something before even knowing her name? Super needy.
Don’t agree with her 100% on all her opinions, if you are not genuine you will come off as needy.
When talking to a girl if she starts shit testing you it means she is getting interested. To keep her interested you have to pass her shit tests. Girls shit test men to see how needy and insecure they are.
Avoid talking about yourself and your accomplishments too much, it will come off as trying too hard to impress her. Talk only 40% the time and have her talking the other 60%. The more you have her talking the more interested she will become, due to more investment on her end.
When conversing, keep your mood as even keel as possible throughout the entire interaction. You just met her so she shouldn’t be able to manipulate your mood.
Nervousness is a huge indicator of neediness, so work on being less nervous when talking to girls by doing it often.
Be conscious of these tips when you start talking to a girl. The more you go out and practice more natural it become. Eventually you will embody non-neediness.
If you want to learn more about neediness and really want to master it I recommend reading a book called Models by Mark Manson, it is hands down one greatest books on non-neediness.
Social Awareness
When talking to girls many men often shoot themselves in the foot with their lack of social awareness.
They go on and on about a topic the girl doesn’t give two shits about, and they keep on talking about it even after the cues she drops. You can bet your ass that in her mind she is thinking wow this guy is dumb.
Think of this way, imagine talking to a girl who is talking to you about makeup, and she is going on and on about it, how would you feel? Now magnify that by 100 times because girls will get more irritated because this happens to them much more often.
Talk to them about topics they are interested in.
So how do you talk to girls about topics they are interested in? Easy, when you first start interacting with them ask about questions such as what are things that really interest you, or similar questions.
If a topic naturally pops up, pay attention to her body language and to what she says. She will definitely drop some cues to demonstrate that she is not interested in the topic.
A one-word response is a big hint that she is uninterested.
If she changes the topic it definitely means whatever you do don’t go back the previous topic. If you do it will show you have low social awareness.
Pay attention to her facial expressions, if she has a very uninterested bored look on her face that means she is obviously not interested.
It is not rocket science guys, just genuinely pay attention when talking to her.
Playfulness
Girls love playfulness, who doesn’t love to laugh?
They probably spend the majority of their days being serious due to their careers and just the business of life, so be the one to change the monotony of her day. It will bring a smile to her face.
This doesn’t mean you have to be a comedian or tell funny true stories, just don’t take yourself so seriously all the time.
Here is an example of how to be playful:
This could be too over the top if you are act like this for too long, but just sprinkle in some playfulness in your interactions and you will be golden.
Conclusion
Use all the advice I talked about and you will definitely learn how to talk to girls effectively and better than 99% of men.
Remember, you have to be really proactive and go out and actually practice everything I mentioned. Anything other than taking action is just mental masturbation.
You have to hit the street and talk to girls, the more the better.
After all your interactions, really reflect on them. Ask yourself what are the things you did wrong, what did you do right, and what can you improve on for the next time.
Friends, remember, practice makes perfect.
So go out there and make it happen.
Until next time,
-Jack Freeman
For those of you who are really serious about getting the most out of life & becoming amazing with women
Are you tired of scattered, broken up advice?
Are you tired of being lost in life?
Do you want to be great with women in every way possible?
Are you tired of living a life without passion?
Are you serious about personal development?
WhiteMaleSurvival says
All this advice on picking up chicks.
I would sum it up like this: Become a man, be honest, build a solid financial foundation, dress well, lift, be active in social activities and become the best there and that’s it, if you are that you don’t even need to talk to them.
Men place too much importance on sex and relationships nowadays instead of improving their life.
Koko says
True mate. First thing is not worrying too much about it. When you improve your own life, good things come together.
WhiteMaleSurvival says
“When you improve your own life, good things come together.”
Summed up very well!
Jack Freeman says
What you stated is mostly true. I strongly recommend every man be hyper focused on success first, however at a certain point I really do recommend mastering the psychology of women. I can’t tell the number of times I slept with a successful rich dude’s girl. Most of what I will talk about on women’s psychology will go hand in hand with becoming a man.
Koko says
“I can’t tell the number of times I slept with a successful rich dude’s girl”.
Tell me more…